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Monday, May 9, 2011

We're a little co-dependent but I don't care, I love my Mom!!!

I probably should have wrote this blog yesterday, being that it was mothers day. But I figured that it was better to spend the day actually with my mother rather than writing about her. There is no one in this world who I am closer to than my mother. We are best friends. I know, people say you shouldn't be your kids best friends, but it's too late now, I'm twenty-two (soon to be twenty-three). If she stopped being my friend now, that would probably result in me being on some therapist's couch for the rest of my life with a prescription of xanax in hand. Seriously I have a hard time functioning without her. We're not totally co-dependent. We don't have some crazy Joan/Melissa relationship. But we've definitely got a Lorelai/Rory Gilmore girls vibe going on. Again I'm not saying this is the best mother/daughter dynamic but it works for us and I wouldn't change it.

I love that I enjoy LOVE hanging out with my mom. I love that we have so many things in common. Like how  we both have a voracious appetite for reading. Heck she's the reason that I can read (I struggled a lot in first grade, and she worked with me every night by reading to me...Thanks Mom!). I love that our taste in music is pretty much identical (though she doesn't enjoy Eminem as much as I do but hey I'm not that crazy about Tony Bennett). I love that we fill most our daily dialogue with quotes from movies/TV/books. I love that on mothers day <insert yesterday> we (including my brother, his fiance, and my mom's friend Margaret) spent most of the meal discussing Harry Potter (did I mention that we're both closet nerds...we try to keep our nerdiness on the DL but it doesn't seem to be working).

I love that my mom knows me (and all my hopes and dreams) better than anyone else. She knows that I love feta cheese, peace doves, and Gavin DeGraw. She knows that I like to read magazines backwards. She gets that when I'm frustrated <insert the computer isn't working or a recipe doesn't go as planned> I just want to be left alone and that trying to talk to me is not a good idea <insert I'll bite your head off>. My mom accepts <inserts supports> my obsession with Martha Stewart. And she get's that just because I love all things weddings, doesn't mean that I'm obsessed with getting married (long term commitments kind of freak me out). But it's really because I love all things fancy (and what's more fancy than a wedding). She knows that I want my future family to look like the united nations! And that I plan on adopting more kids than I plan on having naturally. And she knows that  I love the idea of adoption because (the whole idea of something growing inside of me and then forcing it's way out makes me cringe) after all we're all adopted into God's family.

My mom makes every effort to see that all my dreams come true (well maybe not my dream about getting another tattoo but all the rest). This has been true my whole life. When I was five and needed to practice my shuffle step for my recital, my mom set up a dance studio in our kitchen. When I wanted to sell 5 million boxes of tagalongs and thin mints to get a silly badge (that I still have), my mom and I sold them. When I needed poster board at 10pm on a Sunday night because I had a project due the next day, (begrudgingly) she would take me to get it (have I mentioned my tendency to procrastinate). Be it I wanted her to go on a field trip with me or I wanted to go to Europe (without her), my mom made it happen.
But like I said before, my mom knows really knows me. It must be all that love and affirmation my mom gives me, because there is something about being in the comforts of her presence, that just makes me let go. I let go of every pretense of being put together <insert I sit around in my pj's all day, without make up...oh and I don't shave my legs>. And I no longer feel the need to put my best foot forward <insert I can act like a major (earmuffs) bitch sometimes>. Sorry for the harsh language but that's really the only word to describe me. And the sad thing is I only act that way in front of her. I've realized over the past few years (mainly because my mom has brought it to my attention) that I have a tendency to treat her worst then anyone else. I know, crazy right. Here I am writing this blog about how we're Gilmore Girl wannabes and best buddies for life. But I'm my ugliest with her. I show it in my lack of patience, my incessant neediness, my self absorption, my lack of consideration for her feelings/needs/wants, my criticisms, my harsh words. I don't act that way around anyone else.  And when I think about why, I always come back to the fact that I know that no matter how I treat her or what I do, she'll always love me. I don't know if I can say that about anyone else  (excluding Jesus). Now I'm sure there are people who would tell me they do, but my mom is the only one I believe. Because she's shown me, over the past twenty-two years, that her love is unconditional.

This isn't how I saw this blog going. I had something completely different planned (which I may still do in a separate blog). But I realized I couldn't write a blog about why I'm thankful for my mom and not mention her unconditional love for me. And I couldn't fully explain how great a gift that is without showing how undeserving of it I really am. I don't deserve a mom, who put's up with as much crap as mine does. Don't get me wrong, my mom isn't some door mat that I just walk all over. I mean hello, she's an Italian New Yorker, she can hold her own. But she is the kind of mom who when you've royally screwed up and totally deserve to be yelled at, comes and hugs you and tells me how much she loves you (true story). Long before Jesus came into my life, my mom was already witnessing to me about what unconditional love is. I believe that Jesus used her to clear a path into my heart. To make it so when He entered, I didn't have to question what real love was because I had already experienced it. Now I know that no love compares to the love of Jesus but my mom is a really strong contender. But just like it isn't enough to know Jesus loves you no matter what and keep on sinning. It's not enough for me to admit that my mom loves me unconditionally and continue to be a jerk to her.

We were watching Gilmore Girls the other day and Lorelai said something to Rory that is hitting home right now. She said she'd hate to have raised a kid who didn't know how to say I love you. I know my mom will never stop loving me, but I think she'd hate to have raised a kid who didn't know how to love people, especially their own parent. So mom, I write this blog to say thank you. Thank you for being my mom! Thank you for loving me. And thank you for giving me the blueprint on how to love someone unconditionally. That's my project for the next year, to work on loving people, and mom the project starts with you! XXOO

1 comment:

  1. Amanda that was beautiful!!! I think I enjoyed it so much because it could have been me talking :). And actually I totally say to my daughter sometimes, "why would you ever treat me like that?". But I already know it is because she knows that even at her worst...I still love her & she me :).

    Now this post is the best gift any mother could have for mother's day!!! I don't know if your mom will be able to read it though since her eyes will be full if big fat tears :). Hope she has someone who can read it to her :). Lots of love girl...lots of beautiful love.