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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Planner Problems

The last time I wrote I was 2 months away from turning 25. Now I'm 5 months away from turning 26. So needless to say it has been a while since I wrote. I originally planned on writing a completely different blog. But then some news came today, that could possible change what I was originally going to write about, thus I don't want to publish that blog, because it may not come to pass.Sorry for being so "mysterious". I promise it's nothing serious, but it does consist of some confidential <insert work related> matters, so I can't really talk about.

So you may ask why even mention it? I myself hate when people put vague statuses on Facebook. I know you know what I'm talking about. They go something like this "I wish some people would just realize <fill in the blank> or "This can not be happening...what am I going to do". And if you try to ask said Facebook person what they are talking about, they reply with "I can't really talk about" or my favorite "message me". Both are obvious cries for attention.

Well I can promise that I'm not crying out for attention...ok maybe a little attention. I mean aren't all statuses or blog entries somewhat attention seeking. Anyways I'm not being vague to entice you to ask about my personal life, again it's nothing major. And my purpose for mentioning it, is solely that it ties into my new blog.

I'm a planner through and through. I've done very few spontaneous things in my life. And typically afterwards I am filled with an overwhelming dread that I've made a horrible mistake. I am a pros and cons list kind of girl. I analyze every decision down to the core. I love schedules and structure. I literally get excited making to-do lists. Each time I cross off something off, it is as if inside my spirit I get hugged by a unicorn <insert I am very happy>.

I know sometimes people look at my tattoo and think ooh wild spontaneous side. False. It took me over 4 years to plan my tattoo. Down to the color, the placement, and the font, I invested more time than I'd like to admit on the 7 letter script tattoo that resides on my left wrist in plum ink.

I like facts. I like knowing exactly what I'm getting into. I love guarantees. I hate fine print. I can't stand when there are contingencies to things that I didn't know about at the beginning. I really struggle when plans change at the last minute. I'm rarely a go with the flow kind of person. Maybe when someone else is in charge of making the plans, and they change the plans, can I possibly be flexible and fine. But if I make plans (or help make the plans) and they change, and I'm not the one changing them, it is as if a battle of Modor level begins within me.

I don't necessarily like this about myself. And I'm starting to believe to some extent that God doesn't either. Because in the last year it's as if I can't make plans to save my life. Even something as simple as writing a blog gets interrupted. and before I can hit publish the plans have changed (maybe I'm still not sure). If it was left to me, everything in my life would be planned. And I know some people are like whats the fun in that. And I would reply that I have more fun when things are planned out, and I can anticipate what's going to happen next (true story).

But I think the problem is that I'm someone who once I make plans in my mind they are pretty much set in stone. And this is an issue because that mentality leaves me rigid. And I realize that this rigidness doesn't leave a lot of room for God to work in me and in my life. The bible refers to us a clay and God the potter. Well as a Play-Doh aficionado, it has been my experience that there is nothing worse than hard Play-Doh. So when I choose to set myself in stone on plans that I've made, I don't allow for the plans that God has for me.

Originally this comeback blog was suppose to be about some of the new "plans" that are taking place in my life. But since they keep changing, I'll have to hold off on that blog (it will come though, eventually...I hope). Did I mention that God is also teaching me patience. So I guess I'm learning to release some of my planner tendencies, and just accept the "plans" as they come. But can I just say that makes it really hard to make a to-do list. I guess I'll learn to deal. Wish me luck.

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